Do you know why my street is called ‘Maje o baje’? Well, I’m terrible with history, but from the stories I heard from drunk men and angry women, in places called 'dark-rooms’ don’t ask me what goes on there, because it’s not in a position to say, I can’t be spilling secrets about the erection of my fellow men and the libido of enterprising women. Still, as the legend goes, this street was notorious for crimes and bad things, till a police officer, moved into No.10, which happens to be my house, and decided to put an end to all the ills that occur on the street, his famous mantra whenever he caught a perpetrator committing any criminal acts, he’d say 'Se o ri adugbo yi, ma je ko baje o’ thus the name stuck, till he passed on, history has it that he died on top of someone’s wife. But that’s disputable because he slept with anything with a vagina and two breasts. Such a legend; I’m proud to be staying in his room.
Iya-Toheeb, was all red when I announced to her that I wasn’t climbing on her; she stood up angrily and asked me what I meant by that; I just stood by the wall, my back resting on the room door, she laughed, and at first, I was scared because it seemed evil then she reached beneath her bed and pulled out wads of cash hidden beneath a clay pot, wrapped in a red cloth, she counted out of it. She offered me; at first, I could feel my manhood rise. Still, then the thought of baba-Toheeb’s threats made my manliness flaccid; I could feel her face change again; Iya-Toheeb, wasn’t a woman you could say ‘NO’ to. She gently asked what the problem was because she was aware that money wasn’t something I could ever decline, then she replied to her question, ‘it’s my daughter, isn’t it?’ I began to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out, then she said again, ‘is her womanliness sweeter than mine?’ I replied and said, ‘No, that’s not it’ then she charged towards me, and we began to wrestle; she’s a very thick woman. I am a skinny person; imagine the odds. I wished Baptista could just appear and save me. Still, I Was alone, her hands reaching my groin, her hands on my neck; I knew that I was gone already, I had just one play left; I remembered the rough tackle we did back then secondary school, I hoped it worked, and it did, don’t ask me about it, I don’t support violence, but this Was a life and death issue after she landed on her butt, I charged towards her money pot under the bed, and she suddenly went soft; I knew that was the only thing she loved more than herself; I was able to bargain my freedom with it, peacefully, I would make a good negotiator, I managed to protect the world from losing me.
By the time I finished narrating the whole story, my useless friends were laughing at me. We were at our usual palm wine joint. There's also no dog tonight; Ini said that dogs are no longer foolish anymore, they too want to live long, not like I believed her, but then I’m not in support of animal cruelty. However, I love eating dogs, especially the peppered ones; I have a gift for knowing animals who were killed cruelly. I don’t eat such meat, because they’re not sweet.
'So was that why you ran into the shop like you were being chased by a ghost?’ Isaac asked, ‘Yes, I ran for my dear life’ as Isaac was about to start his round of admonishing, we all screamed in unison ‘Abeggii’ baba kept shut, we noticed Baptista was silent, which was unlike him, and we all stared at him with quizzing looks then he began to tell us what bothered him, ‘Guys, abeg e get drug way I fit use to reduce my thing, all the girl's way I dey with been dey always run say my thing too massive, say I dey always slack their stuff’ he continued 'this thing dey give me very big, concern o, something way I suppose use do height na here I go carry am’ we all tried holding our laughter, but we couldn’t, it was not a funny issue, but you could have seen Baptista’s face, while he narrated his ordeal. Shuaib was weirdly not high tonight, except for a few cups of palm wine, he replied with his most serious face, 'Baptista wetin be your real name?’ ‘Gods-Love’ Baptista replied, then Shuaib began again, ‘ Na only you God love, na why he show you so much love for your prick, if you no like am give Isaac small, I hear say Mari-gold like big ones’ immediately Isaac flung a bottle of palm wine towards Shuaib who was fast enough to duck, so he missed, Isaac all fuming, he develops anger issues when Mari-gold is spoken about in a demeaning manner, then he replied angrily, ‘I don’t blame you Shuaib, at least one of my hands isn’t muscular than the other, better stop wanking yourself’ Shuaib was about to give Isaac a hard punch when Baptista blocked the punch, Myself and Baptista started calming both of them down; when all the tempers were quenched, I asked Ini to bring the most potent palm wine, mix they had available, it was called 'One-love’ don’t ask me what it meant or how it’s made, I just know for sure that the palm wine becomes dark in color after mix, we wanted to use it to calm our tempers, all in all, today wasn’t a bad day, could’ve been worse.
Baba-Toheeb entered the joint, he was also a regular, he opted to join our table and share from our bottle of ‘one-love,’ and we accepted, after a couple of cups, he began to weep do not bother, ‘one-love’ had such effects on grown men, the first time I took it, I became a traffic warden for the night, everybody thought I was mad, Shuaib wasn’t so lucky, he kissed a random lady on the road, claiming she was Yemi Alade, well he slept in the police station on sexual assault charge, he tried doing other things with the said lady on the main road. Baptista was quite lucky, because his first time drinking ‘one-love’ was the only time he felt tall in his life, he walked like a giant, and his manhood reduced by few inches, well so he said, I wouldn’t know, Isaac on the other, took a gulp and began telling the whole area about how much Mari-gold meant to him, so you can see how kind ‘one-love’ makes a man become.
Baba-Toheeb began talking about how his wife doesn’t love him, how she doesn’t care for him, and how he intends on using ‘magun’ on her because she was sleeping with someone else. At first, I was confused because he bragged openly about the fact that he had done it the previous night. Now he’s saying something else, so I pushed further asking him explicitly if he did, he replied with a resounding ‘NO’ my friends stared at me in disbelief, while I stood up promptly, and rushed out of the bar, it was apparent Baba-Toheeb wasn't coming home tonight as he was wasted, I ran down to Iya-Toheeb’s house, I saw Simbi entering a dark jeep smiling, but I couldn't care less, now I had to salvage what was left of my business venture, I knocked on Iya-Toheeb’s door loudly, she opened it after a few louder knocks hissing, she grudgingly opened the door, seeing me by the door she appeared shocked. Still, I simply told her, ’Iya-Toheeb e ma binu, e Je ka ni form.’
"Eja ka ni form" seriously? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Form titan, malo le yin