7:30 am
Narrator: Baba Bamgbose stands in front of his crown jewel—plaza looking sternly, deep in thoughts. He’s considering destroying the old building and turning it into a story building just like the other surrounding buildings. At 62, he was a retired sergeant in the armed forces. He made most of his money by being a caretaker and a developer, a business he excelled in better than his military career. Although he often bragged about being an old soldier, he never seemed to remember what battles he fought in. If you asked him, he would say, 'Old soldier never tells of his battles.’ But there’s only one exception Baba Bamgbose will talk after drinking four bottles of Guinness extra larger stout. He would tell you of the times when he went for peacekeeping, and the only peace he kept was in between the thighs of a foreign prostitute. Or the times when under intense enemy fire, he peed on himself and hid under an armoured truck. He was the luckiest soldier alive. He somehow always managed to escape death.
A father of five kids, each from a different mother and a whole strings of unlikely bastard kids, who he disowns by looking at the shape of their head and determines their paternity. One of numerous such occasion was when he befriended Asabe, the woman who sold Zobo and Kunu at the junction. She eventually became pregnant for him, and after the child was born, baba Bamgbose simply looked at the shape of the child’s head and said, 'he can’t be mine.’ That was the end. Last we heard from Asabe. She was somewhere in the North. She moved out of the area when people complained that her Zobo and Kunu tasted sour/fermented. She complained that it was heartbreak. According to Baba Bamgbose, his paternity test never failed him. After all, Asabe was also befriending Kuku, the vulcaniser, and the child's head resembles his.
Baba Bangbose was still lost in thought, drawing up his building plans, when he heard a voice pull him out of the trance.
(Tuesday morning)
(Moriya; first in thoughts contemplating whether to greet her hard-faced landlord or should just ignore and quietly pass, he looked deep in thoughts, she decided to welcome him the last thing she wanted was drama and rants about her being rude.)
Moriya: (In Yoruba) Good morning sir, (bends her head slightly).
Baba Bamgbose: (Looks at the young girl standing in front of him from head to toe, wondering who she was)
Moriya: (Throat dried, muttering under her breathe) Na, I fuck up.
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba; Ijebu accent) What did you say?
Moriya: (In Yoruba) I was asking how you’re doing
Baba Bamgbose: (Smiles) (In Yoruba) I’m doing great. Are you a tenant here?
Moriya:( In Yoruba) Yes sir, I am, you’ve forgotten, I was the one that paid you two months ago.
Baba Bamgbose: (Scratches his head)
Moriya: (In Yoruba) The fashion designer, your friend Saaji’s niece.
Baba Bamgbose: ( Laughs) (In Yoruba) Yes! It’s you. You should’ve said so since na, how are you? And how is Saaji?
Moriya: (Rolls her eyes, forces a smile) yes sir, he’s doing well, I’m also doing well.
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba)I’m glad. (Baba Bamgbose moves closer, places a hand on Moriya’s shoulder, she shudders to move back, he smiles, his brown dentition showing, her head remains bowed).
Moriya: .........
Baba Bamgbose: (In English) If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. If anybody even disturbs you, I’ll break their head. Be a good girl.
Moriya: Thank you, sir (Takes her leave)
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba; to self) See her Bumbum, isn’t this girl a small girl? Ah! Oga o!
Moriya: Giggles (While pretending not to hear anything)
(Bayo walks majestically finds the landlord staring lustfully at Moriya, clears throat)
Bayo: (In Yoruba) Good morning Baba landlord
Baba Bamgbose: (Looks at him from head to toe) (In Yoruba) what is good about this morning?
Bayo: (In Yoruba) Baba, you’ve come again?
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) it is your daddy that has come again.
Bayo: (In Yoruba) it’s morning o, let me just respect you, because we have your type at home, every time you’ll be abusing me, I do not owe you rent money na?
Baba Bamgbose: Hisses
Bayo: (In Yoruba)You don’t even know you’re old. If I push you now, you’ll have a stroke and die.
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) It’s your father that will have a stroke and die, bastard child.
Bayo: (In Yoruba) at least I’m not the one giving birth to bastards all around, bastard factory.
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) Ah! For your mouth? Bayo, and you’ll leave my shop for me, shebi me bastard factory?
Bayo: (In Yoruba) Yes, you. You’ll still come and meet me.
(Bayo walks away, hissing)
Emekus: Bayo chillax for me na
Baba Bamgbose: Omo ibo, how you dey na, you no sabi greet person again?
Emekus: (Squeezes face) Good morning baba landlord
Baba Bamgbose: Na me you dey squeeze face for?
Emekus: Omo Nna Baba, no start with me today, o?
Baba Bamgbose: Your blood too dey hot
Emekus: (appears calm) wetin you want?
Baba Bamgbose: you still get another blue film way to resemble that other one way I buy from your hand?
Emekus: (Shines teeth) Baba, you like bad thing, yes I get am plenty.
Baba Bamgbose: Okay, I go come collect am later.
(Emekus walks away)
Patricia: Good morning, Baba landlord
Baba Bamgbose: (In smiles) Patty Patty! How na?
Patricia: Baba, I dey okay, how body?
Baba Bamgbose: We thank God you’re my best tenant. Thank you for the last provision way you give me.
Patricia: Thanks to God!
Baba Bamgbose: Alhamdulillah!
(Patricia walks away, muttering under her breathe, E too like awoof)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) you’re here early, my husband, hope no problem?
Baba Bamgbose: (Hisses)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) hope no problem?
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) Woman, is this, not my property abi what’s your problem with me? What’s causing this stupid question?
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) No problem, I’m just asking as your wife sha.
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) welcome, wife of the year (Yinmu)
Iya Paso: (Grumbles; in Yoruba)I don’t know what I did for you o!
(Baba Bamgbose turns to leave)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) our husband, Good morning, who offended you?
Baba Bamgbose: (Forces a smile)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) I’ve prepared for favourite, come to the shop and eat so that you can cool your temper.
Baba Bamgbose: ( In Yoruba)I’m not hungry
(Walks over to the car and drives off)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) Iya Paso, you can see that you’re unfortunate?
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) Are you pained?
(Tuesday Afternoon)
Bayo: Today na champions league make I just find two sure odds carry, make Messi sha no fuck up.
Emekus: which kin, e go fuck up, no be Messi again?
Bayo: forget na magician that boy is, o you no see am again PSG?
Emekus: you dey whine me? Do you want to use am compare Ororo?
Bayo: forget that side, Ororo na makeup artist
Emekus: see this one? You go see wetin go happen today na, you go cry.
Patricia: Moriya, I hope you got the style I sent to you on WhatsApp?
Moriya: Yes, I got it, don’t worry, I’ll make a fabulous style for you
Patricia: I trust you, you sabi work, I must go pepper them for that party
Moriya: I sabi na, trust me
Patricia: Your money just too high
Moriya: ( Eyes her) Quality is expensive
Patricia: Naso, you talk am. Na, my husband go suffer am. If na those small girls way e dey carry e go sha pay for their cloth, na him go pay for this one.
Moriya: Na ona sabi
Patricia: you no get boyfriend or husband?
Moriya: (Rolls eye) mind your business
Patricia: no vex na question I ask
Moriya: .........
(Patricia stands up and leave)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) Eli, bring my bag!
Eli: (In Yoruba) Yes ma
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) What have you people even sold today?
Eli: (In Yoruba) not much
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) Are you people sleeping?
Eli: (In Yoruba) no ma, shebi you’re also around we’ve not been sleeping
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) what do you mean?
Eli: I meant–––nothing ma...
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) your head is not correct, take this 200 Naira and go buy me food at that Iya Paso’s place.
Eli: (In Yoruba) it won’t be enough o
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) your head is not correct, go and buy something for me, and give it to her, if she likes she should not collect it, both of you are unfortunate.
Eli:...
Iya Malik: (Rolls eyes)
( Eli grudgingly leaves the shop)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) Eli, what brings you to my shop? Your glutton boss is hungry, abi?
Eli: ..............
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) Bring your bowl (collects bowl)
Eli: (In Yoruba) My boss said I should buy rice 150, 1 egg, four beef, 2 Pomo, 30 naira beans, and 50 naira plantain, with one malt.
(Iya Paso sells everything and hands it over to Eli, who collects the bowl of food and drops 200 naira in her palm)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) Eli, are you sure you’re not mad? After everything you bought, it’s 200 naira you’re giving me.
Eli:(In Yoruba) That’s what my madam said I should give you.
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) it’s like you and your madam are unfortunate, abi? Better give me my complete money
Eli: (In Yoruba) Aunty, it’s like you’ll come and meet her yourself
(Eli started walking away)
Iya Paso: (Drags her back and collects the bowl)
Eli: (In Yoruba) ah! Aunty Oga will kill me o!
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) I’ll kill you first, that your witch boss cannot be cheating me with my husband and also be cheating me in my shop. Go and tell her to pay for complete or no food.
(Eli runs off to the shop)
Eli: (In Yoruba) Oga, Iya Paso refused to give me the food o!
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) you can see that you’re foolish; where’s my 200?
Eli: (In Yoruba) it’s with her
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) where’s my bowl?
Eli: (In Yoruba) it’s with her
Iya Malik: (Sarcastic laughter) (In Yoruba) Your own has finish today. Better go and get me my 200 or bowl.
Eli: (In Yoruba) Which kind of wahala is this
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) Pardon?
Eli: (Burst into tears)
(Emekus sees Eli crying in front of Iya Paso’s shop, approaches her)
Emekus: why you dey cry? Fine girl
Eli: (Rolls eyes) better leave me alone Emekus
Emekus: Calm down, na, I no dey like see you cry.
Eli: (Explains what happened)
Emekus: your Oga sef, she too like trouble, Iya Paso, how much be her money?
Iya Paso: 500 naira
Emekus: (Retrieve 1000 naira note from his pocket, gives Iya Paso) plus my own.
Iya Paso: thank you, customer, na you safe am this afternoon
Eli: (smiles) thank you, Emekus, I’ll see you later
Emekus: Okay, bye
Eli: (In Yoruba) Iya Paso, my 200 kor?
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) If I slap you (Hisses)
(Collects the bowl and bottle of Pepsi and leaves)
Bayo: Oshey, philanthropist if na me you no fit buy food for boy o.
Emekus: Comot for there.
(Tuesday Evening)
Bayo: I gats close early, sales no too dey today.
Emekus: I sef, no time to waste time
Patricia: Moriya, I’ve closed o. I need to cook for my children. See you tomorrow
Moriya: Bye madam patty
Bayo: Moriya, you never wan close?
Moriya: (from inside her shop) mind your business
Emekus: Wetin dey do you, every time you go dey put fire for head
Moriya: Na you sabi
Emekus: no, be your fault at all, guy lock up to make we comot
(Both Emekus and Bayo close their respective shops and leave the plaza)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) So I’m going home o, if you people like don’t lock up early, you’ll meet me tomorrow.
Girls: (In Yoruba) Yes na (In unison)
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) Where’s Eli?
Girls:........
Iya Malik: (In Yoruba) okay, I understand
(Iya Malik clutches her bag and leaves)
(Behind the plaza)
Eli: Emekus see as you dey rush me, you want to make my madam catch me abi?
Emekus: no, be so jare, you sabi say my body dey always shake when I miss you.
Eli: you be oniranu, dey go I go meet you for house.
Emekus: no delay o, body don dey road
Eli: (Winks, shaking her bumbum seductively as she walks away)
Emekus: this Yoruba girl, no go kill me, chai!
(Emekus jogs away meeting up with Bayo, they drive home together)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) all of you should wash all the dirty dishes and lock up before 8 pm
Girls: (In Yoruba) yes, ma! (In unison)
Iya Paso: (In Yoruba) Good! (She looks across and sees Iya Malik leaving for home, she begins to wonder why she’s going early)
This marks the end of another day in Bamgbose’s plaza.
All these characters are crazy crazy😂. Baba Bamgbose is a case on his own, Iya Malik and Iya Paso won't cease to come up with drama. This is really interesting, can't wait to see how everything will unfold.