Episode 1: Kiki’s Saloon.
Kikelomo walked into the saloon, with the swagger of a peacock, she needed to retouch her hair, and since she had a busy schedule, she decided it was best to visit kiki’s saloon at the weekend. The address was gotten from her neighbour, Cynthia. As she stepped in, she could notice that all eyes were on her, which made her slightly uncomfortable, as the women who were seated were much younger than her, she murmured a ‘Hi’ and moved to the nearest empty seat.
Soon after she sat, she was met by one of the apprentices, who oddly greeted her and then asked how she wanted to be served, kike simply replied, saying what she wanted, as quietly as possible, I want to retouch my hair for one, she was the shy type and secondly she could still notice that the other ladies were giving her piercing stares. The apprentice told her to give her a few minutes to set things up. While she sat waiting, she was offered a bottle of water and an Asian vogue magazine; she simply dropped the water on the stool beside her and started skimming through the pages of the magazine.
Babes, you don't know what chief got me, last time we met, said Stacy, the short, fair, plump lady she looked like a dull straight from the toy factory. Really, what did he get? Replied Lady Gold, the tall, dark, skinny lady, her fingers were on the pedicure stool; an apprentice fixing her nails while chewing gum most irritatingly and disgustingly. Well after giving him an excellent massage and pressing all his buttons, I made sure I gave him the pampering of his life, you won't believe that after I was done, he took me to Apple store and asked me to choose any gadget of my choice Stacy said narrating her story with so much glee, Lady Gold gave a long sigh and dragged out the words na wa oo, and that my stupid boyfriend, Bolaji with all his cashing out, he still hasn't gotten the iPhone 13 I asked for, I’ve told him if yahoo isn’t his way, shebi he should go back to school, I can’t have a boyfriend and be suffering like this na, my friend Stacy smiling, replied; Lady Gold, na you dey cause trouble for yourself, dating all these small boys that have nothing to offer you, yes them sabi fuck, well, but na fuck you go chop? Na why that time I been wan introduce you to one of the chief’s friends, but as you no answer me na why I just lock up, my friend, wise up and leave these children, them no get anything.......see me, I got one apple computer as I no even sabi use am, I still carry am with my new iPhone 13X which small boy fit afford am? Lady Gold looking troubled, said my friend link me up abeg Stacy replying Okay she was smiling like a missionary who just won the heart of a sinner, she reclined in her chair, calling out one of the apprentice ladies, to help buy her food.
I sat in my seat, as I delightfully enjoyed the conversation between the two girls, it suddenly occurred to me the reason they were staring at me when I entered the saloon was that they were assessing me to know my worth, too bad but from their conversations, these girls aren’t my type, I don’t wait for any man to satisfy any of my needs. After all, I’m a working-class babe, and I’m too busy pursuing a career than wasting away my life for frivolous items. The apprentice lady, was back and just as she loosened my scarf exposing my virgin hair I could hear gasps from the two ladies and the other apprentice ladies around at first I wondered if something had gone wrong. Still, then they all stood up and walked close to me, touching my hair which was awkward as I didn’t enjoy strangers touching my hair. Then they began bombarding me with questions, is your hair real, or it’s an attachment? Why is your hair this long? Your hair is so soft, what hair products do you use as I was about to reply, a woman barged in, and everyone stood wondering what could have been chasing her; apparently, they all knew her, as she was Kiki, the owner of the saloon.
I thanked God for the distraction as it took the attention away from me. Kiki still catching her breath, told one of her apprentice ladies to get her a bottle of water, and then she sat on a chair. She began narrating her ordeal, the ladies in the saloon listened keenly, she began, That’s how one 'olororiburiku’ Alhaji carried me to the hotel since Friday and wanted to use penis to finish me, if you see his penis, hmmm..... Lady Gold interrupted, wait Kiki describe the penis na, you know say I like that kind thing Kiki instead gave her a very scornful look, you mean to say I dey narrate my bad experience. You dey here dey talk rubbish, I no blame you Lady Gold hissed and said; no be me send you o as Kiki was about giving her a very distasteful reply, Stacy cut in, Ladies na because of penis ona wan dey fight so? Kiki continued her story; so as I been dey yarn I been no even mind the size of the prick based on say because I need the money, but this Alahji no be like the other men o, one round dey go like 1hour if I run say I no dey do, e go start to dey cry say, make i no do am like that, but I just dey pity am, but when I see say this one wan spoil my office na im I run comot o, I no even pack my remaining clothes, I say dey follow ona talk like this my office still dey pain me, be like say I go even use ice block cool am down, the place dey overheat. The other girls were laughing hysterically except kiki’s apprentices, who continued their duties.
Both Stacy and Lady Gold demanded to see what Alahji looked like, at first with Kiki not wanting to oblige, but when their pleading was excessive, she obliged, and all hell was let loose, Kiki’s Alahji was Stacy’s Chief. Both of them began arguing calling each other husband snatcher. At the same time, Lady Gold sat down smiling to herself, asking how come Stacy never felt Alahji/Chief’s prick to be big, since Kiki said it was, both ladies became silent with both of them staring at one another unsure of the kind of penis that entered them since they both slept with the same person.
A few minutes later, the door was flung open, and an obese woman walked in with a jar of something which looked like acid, closing the door beside her, she began; This is a 99% pure acid, which one of you ladies here is sleeping with my husband?