(Characters)
Baba Bamgbose: Landlord
Mummy Paso: Baba Bamgbose’s Wife and Foodseller
Iya-Malik: Baba Bamgbose’s Concubine and Cloth seller
Emekus: Plumbing and Electrical appliances seller
Bayo: Akube (Fairly used clothes and shoes) seller
Patricia: Provisions seller
Moriya: Elite Fashion designer/tailor
Eli: Iya-Malik’s apprentice
Shashangi: Thug and levy collector
Curtain opens:
It’s 8 am on a wet Monday morning, traffic is heavy as everyone is in a rush to the place where their daily bread is baked. In the whole frenzy, there’s a small building lined with shops dwarfed by two massive shopping complexes. It’s famous for its fights and arguments than it is famous for its commerce. Today is quite different; there’s a bit of silence this morning, a scarce occasion, the neighbours are pleased finally they can enjoy their morning business and tasks without any distractions. But just as they were about to breathe a sigh of relief, a song began.
Mummy Paso: (Singing in Yoruba while pretending to be sweeping the front of her shop) Some people are just big. Still, they have no sense. They’ve used all their sense to grow fat. That is why their brain is a dwarf, and some people are used to the madness; that’s why they never leave the psych ward, but today they’ll know who is mad!
Iya-Malik: (Singing and dancing while pretending to wipe the dust off her merchandise) They ask that it’s an animal with horns that can knock a person down, and the snail is also coming out. The audacity!
Emekus: Nna, this women don start again them be like cat and dog, which nonsense be this na?
Bayo: Omo, my guy, leave those two witches alone. You see wetin Man U play against Arsenal yesterday? Walahi na the only game way cut my ticket yesterday be that I stake 100naira on top 50 games, 49 come only Man U cut am. I wan cry, Rashford miss penalty!
Emekus: Nna my guy I watch that game live and direct, I been dey towers with Nkechi dey enjoy my usual nkwobi and 33, Chelsea spoil my mood I just talk say make I relax, I sabi say Man U no fit beat Arsenal, but I happy sha, if you see style way Nkechi give me later ehhn, remain small make I faint, but as I dey enjoy myself I just dey imagine, that goal way Werner mighty miss.
Bayo: Omo na true o, England juju don catch Werner mighty, that game na fix match, but my double chance enter.
(Bayo and Emekus continued talking each sitting in front of their shop when they heard a loud bang)
Bayo: wetin be that?
Emekus: Be like say na Iya-Malik don go fall Mummy Paso cooler.
Bayo: Na war be that o!
Emekus: Make we go check
Bayo: Live and direct!
(Iya-Malik and Mummy Paso are entangled with each other, grabbing their heads and slapping themselves across the face, passerby’s watching the drama unfolding, others helping to separate them, the neighbours stand in front of their shop enjoying the usual spectacle brought by Bamgbose’s Plaza Tenants)
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) I’ll be the one to kill you; still, you think you’re strong abi?
Mummy Paso: (Also in Yoruba) You cannot kill me, this place is too small to contain us, you think it’s by big breasts? That’s how use used your breasts to fall my cooler; God safe you that my Jollof rice wasn’t inside. Madwoman!
Iya-Malik: it’s not my fault that you don’t have breasts, at least that’s why your husband prefers me because I know how to touch and press his buttons, unlike you that will just lie down like a log of wood. At least I’m mad enough to make your husband fall madly in love with me.
Emekus, Bayo and the crowd: Ah!
Mummy Paso: (Walks away in tears) My God will judge, it’s not you I blame o, it’s Baba Bamgbose I blame.
(Crowd disperses and everyone back to their shops, and business, morning drama was over).
Patricia: Emekus na true say fight happen this morning?
Emekus: Yes, madam Pat, intact na Hitler war.
Patricia: you call me on my phone. Na, my
husband, delay me today, e just dey talk rubbish before preparing Nonso and Uche for school time don go. Na why I even come late, my customers sef don call tire.
Emekus: you no too miss much sha, na just normal war, way we dey always meet every Monday. Try make you no miss next week Monday war o.
Patricia: God Forbid my guy, I no fit, make I go start my job for today before I go pick these pikin dem for school.
Bayo: (In Yoruba) Moriya, you didn’t hear what happened this morning?
Moriya: (In Yoruba) I kuku heard, but I don’t pay attention to them, they’re both noise-makers, every Monday morning they’d be fighting like they’re possessed. I don’t even have time for all those nonsense, make everybody face their business and shop.
Bayo: (in Yoruba) you’ve started again, you’ll be classing yourself as if you’re not one of us (Hissing)
Moriya: (In Yoruba) well, I’ve told you and made everyone clear that I’m not one of you people, I’m a graduate, and I’m just here by chance, so please (went into her shop).
Bayo:(Stares at her for a while, his face grows into a frown) (In Yoruba) well, if it’s not that your bum bum is big, I would’ve insulted you, but I like you (Grabs his crotch).
Moriya: (Gave a long Hiss from inside her shop).
Bayo: Be like say she hear.
(Later that Monday afternoon)
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) Eli, bring my stainless bowl and buy me rice in Mummy Paso’s place.
Eli: (In Yoruba) okay, ma
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) We don’t even know whether she’s washing bumbum inside the food she’s cooking. That’s why she has plenty of customers, they all say her food is sweet, but I’m sure it is jazz. Sha help me buy, her jazz cannot catch me.
Eli: (In Yoruba) Yes, ma!
(Outside Mummy Paso’s Shop)
Shashangi:(In Yoruba) all of you in this plaza don’t ever pay your dues on time (Puffs Igbo out) one day I’ll clear off your doubts, Mummy Paso, Iyawo Anobi, give me rice, normal I don’t want muscle o.
Mummy Paso: (In Yoruba) Shashangi, how are you? I’ll tell one of my girls to bring your food now, don’t worry.
Shashangi: (in Yoruba) Send Bimpe, the girl with big breast. I would love to step down my rice with cold breast milk.
Mummy Paso: (Hisses) (in Yoruba) what’s even with men and big breast?
Iya-Malik: (Passing by) (In Yoruba) You wouldn’t know when you don’t have.
Mummy Paso: (Pours pepper and dirty water on the road, pretends to be in shock when it touches someone).
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) Ah! Your life has finish o. It’s me you poured dirty on. Are you now pretending like it’s a mistake, abi? No problem. (Walks away)
Mummy Paso: (Looks at her girls; they all burst into laughter).
(Monday Evening)
Emekus: Sales slow today. Since morning, I never too sell like that.
Bayo: Naso, you dey always talk, every time you no dey sell, shior.
Emekus: I no fit lie give you
Patricia: Make God help us, my back dey pain me, be like say I go soon get malaria
Bayo: Tell your husband to massage you when you reach house na
Patricia: My husband? That one that his hand he like sandpaper God forbid.
Bayo: Okay o
Emekus: Moriya, come join us for outside na, you just dey your shop since morning.
Moriya: (Shouts from inside her shop) I am busy, I don’t have time to gist.
Bayo: Ah!
Emekus: Ah!
Patricia: Go, girl!
Bayo and Emekus: (Exchanged looks, Entered their shops.)
Patricia: (Looks confused) Wetin I talk now?
(Iya-Malik’s Shop)
Iya-Malik: (Seated at the centre, surrounded by all her apprentices) (In Yoruba) Tomorrow all of you must resume early, I don’t want any excuse o, shade you’re always purging better make sure you hold your stomach tomorrow because I won’t entertain any lateness, Bimbo, you’ll keep the key so that you can open the door. At the same time, Basira mop all the floor. That’s your punishment for coming late today. Am I clear?
All the girls: (In unison) Yes, ma!
(Mummy Paso’s Shop)
Mummy Paso: (In Yoruba) (Sitting counting her money, while dishing out orders to her workers) Bimpe, make sure you soak the beans against tomorrow, Pelumi, make sure you open the shop early and wash rice on the fire, watch the salt o because I know you, you and lot’s wife belong to the same club. Dami, you too, go to the Butcher Baba Molika and collect the meat. If you like branch, I’ll know, and you’ll suffer. Am I clear?
All the workers: (In unison) Yes, Ma!
Emekus: Bayo quick close, make we enter Towers go drink one or two bottles
Bayo: (Wrestling with the padlocks) I dey come o
Patricia: Emekus, I fit join you? Make you drop me for road?
Emekus: (Grumbles) I no dey pass that side, madam.
Patricia: Okay na
Bayo: You too like free ride Patricia
Patricia: Shut up, Bayo, no be everything you go dey talk, na your car?
Bayo: na you sabi, Moriya you dey go, make we drop you?
Moriya: (Clicks her tongue) No!
Bayo: Na wa o
(Bayo, Emekus and Patricia exits the plaza)
(A car parks in front of the gate)
Mummy Paso: (In Yoruba) my husband welcome o. I was just about leaving; we should go together since you came to pick me.
Baba Bamgbose: (Tighten his face) (In Yoruba) I’m not yet going home.
Mummy Paso: (In Yoruba) so where are you going? Don’t tell me you’re going to that witch’s place?
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) And so?
Mummy Paso: (In Yoruba) Because of big breasts, you’re treating your wife this way?
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) No! Oya be going home.
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) Our husband welcome o
Baba Bamgbose: (Smiles)
Mummy Paso: (Stares at both of them, hisses and leave)
Iya-Malik: Is it true that you don’t like big breasts?
Baba Bamgbose: (In Yoruba) Ah! It’s a lie, o,
the breast is life; in fact, your breast is my life.
Iya-Malik: (In Yoruba) Better o (Enters car)
(Baba Bamgbose turns on the ignition and drives away).
This marks the end of a day of drama in Bamgbose Plaza.
(Curtain closes).
Very hilarious and a true picture of Lagos suburb.