If we're honest, sometimes I always wondered how I became friends with Baptista because we were two contrasting individuals; in terms of personalities, I was the quiet, low-key type, but he was the outgoing lousy type; the first time we spoke was when I still shadowed Simbi in her mother’s shop, he was a regular at the shop with my other friends, but we became tight friends when we both did labor work at a site, few streets away, Baptista always stood his ground for me, when the foreman refused to pay me my full daily pay because he said I was still lazy. Still, he was wrong, I was just selective about the kinds of work I do, and I wasn’t cut out for this hard work but 'na condition make crayfish bend’ we became tighter, he taught me a few things about life for which I am grateful for. On the other hand, I also taught him some other very important things. Baptista is a genius at messing things up for himself and for others around him, a super power if you asked me, there was this one time he worked as a gateman for one rich man, the family liked him very much, and gave him a free hand in things, he wasn’t even treated as a gateman, but as usual he messed things up so badly, when he began sleeping with the maid, according to his testimony 'as I no dey there’ but in his words and I quote, ‘ this babe get one mad yansh, you know as I take like am, soft and round like ibeji-bread, na so one-day oga and him family them been no dey around, na only me and she been dey yard, I follow am reason level, because the lady way I dey service her boris been no dey, and my John Thomas dey operate like say him been wan burst, she gree for my reason as oga sef no dey, since say na she dey, service oga, na so we start dey run things but I dey steady make sure say I wear plastic because I no like to dey hear any stories, na so after some few months, after we dey nack steady she talk say she get belle, I look am, say be like say she no sabi say I dey impotent, because I sabi say no be only me they service her boris, but she no gree, hear that one, na so she go cast give oga, my guy, them oga come talk say make I accept the pikin or them go sack me, na him I tell them say make them wait till the pikin come first, if I see say the pikin na my own I go accept am, if not I go move, them gree, Omo boy, when the pikin comot, na so the pikin fair and fine, na wetin make me know say the pikin no be my own. My guy shey, an ugly person, like me, fit born fine pikin?’ I couldn’t help but laugh throughout the story. Well, that was how he left his job and decided he wanted to hustle, the man was even kind enough to pay him handsomely off, but still, till today, Baptista believes the child isn’t for him, that if it were his, he would have been feeling his scrotum scratch him, well I’ve seen him itch down there a few times, let’s just assume, it’s dandruff.
The first time I tried nacking Iya-Toheeb was a funny one, the previous day, we had spoken about naughty stuff, when we were both alone at the shop, while I assisted in fixing a broken lamp-holder, she had asked me if I was a virgin and from there we began talking about raw and naughty things, one thing I enjoyed about her was the sheer confidence she exhibited, she wasn’t shy or scared, while I was on a stool trying to fix the lamp-holder on the ceiling she grabbed my manhood, at first I jerked, trying to gain my balance on the chair, cause of the suddenness she just laughed, saying 'Ole ni e’ I laughed in return, shaking my head that this woman doesn’t know who she’s dealing with, she said she wanted to confirm if I was not making mouth about the size of my manhood, and said she was impressed by what she saw, I just smiled again. Then she said we should meet, by 8 pm the next day, in her room. As a sharp guy, I ran to mummy-iyanu’s shop and purchased a pack of felele, and man-action, told her to also give me, bajinutu, two rolls, then I went to usman’s kiosk and got tiger-nuts and tanfiri, ....wait before I continue, don’t try this mixture at home... then I went home, behind our yard, Emma and sunny, usually carry weight so I joined them, I did 20 press ups, in readiness of my tomorrow’s interview, I made the mixture of everything I got from mummy-iyanu and Usman, and refrigerated them, I ate fruits for dinner, and slept early, the next day as usual, I joined the boys at the vendor’s shop arguing and jisting, while counting down to the time, then joined them at mid day to smoke some leaves, then got Boli and groundnut from, mama-ejima’s stall, I was finally ready, by the time I got back in the evening, everything was set, had my bath, ate my boli and groundnut, drank the mixture, did like five press-ups and dozed a bit, by 7:30 pm I woke up, dressed, and set out for my interview. I got to her place by 7:50 pm after taking a quick detour not to appear too desperate or overly punctual. Without much delay, time for action to start, my manhood refused to assemble, I began sweating profusely, wondering which of my family member was responsible for this, after trying for a few minutes more she gave up and became bored, we decided to do other things, instead to her, like suck breasts, normal finger level, and coded stuff, still my manhood no gyrate, even after she tried, 'speaking to the microphone and calling BJ’ e no assemble, after all the trial and error i shamefully left her place, embarrassed, even Iya-Toheeb pitied me, I avoided eating at her shop for the next two weeks because of embarrassment, I couldn’t tell anyone my predicament, I watched blue film and tried throwing dice still nothing happened, then I summoned courage and spoke to Isaac about my issue, he then explained to me that my overexcitement is what caused it, and also the mixture I took, I explained to him that it wasn’t the first time I was using the mix for any match and he told me it’s perfectly normal, and explained the solution for me, I wonder what this Isaac boy is still doing in this ghetto when he’s such a genius, well his solution worked like magic, my manhood gyrated immediately after taking it, I then went and visited Benny, to test the level on her, when it was perfect, I ran excitedly to Iya-Toheeb’s place, I can proudly say to you, that I got the job that night.
(Present-day)
After Baptista’s drunken spectacle, the eyes of everyone at the bar was on me, but the most piercing was that of Simbi. I could guess what was going on in her mind. Also, Baba-Toheeb eyes were on me, everywhere became very quiet, except for a few night owls making their usual sounds. Simbi managed to stand up, spat on me, and walked out; everyone else was waiting for a reply for me. Still, I wanted to disappear; more than anything, baba-Toheeb stood up to challenge me. Even Shuaib gave him a stern look to stay clear. At that moment, I ran out, trying to find Simbi and probably explain things. Still, she was nowhere to be found, that night I walked to her house where I found the car from the previous night, she was packing her things inside, box after box. Simultaneously, her mum just stood there, asking her what was wrong. I went to her. I tried to reason with her, but she just stared at me and scoffed, her whole face red, she had been crying, her mother looking at me trying to understand what was going on, but I couldn’t utter any words, when she was done packing her things inside the trunk of the car, she just stared at her mother for a few seconds and said 'you can have him’ and then she entered the car and zoomed off. Iya-Toheeb stood there petrified when I tried to come close to her and speak. A resounding slap hit my face. I didn’t know when I met myself on the floor. I saw stars and heard the complete ‘booty-call’ track for a few minutes after the slap. I gathered what was left of my ego, thanking God that it was at midnight so no one could’ve seen my embarrassment. The walk home was a long one. By the time I got home, everyone in the yard was already out. I guessed the news had reached them, I just simply frowned my face while I passed them, some laughing at me, but I figured it was the price to pay to be a star. I entered my room and went straight to bed. That was the night I had the weirdest of dreams, Simbi in each one of them chasing and flogging me, 'which kind wahala be this’ I said to myself, but one thing was sure, Baptista was dead. I couldn’t sleep anymore, by some minutes past the hour of 4, I heard a loud bang on my door, wondering who it was, I opened, and then I got the shock of my life, four soldiers were standing in front of me, did I tell you, Baba-Toheeb was an ex-soldier?
N.P- “problem, problem, another problem...”
Kirikiri incoming